Empathy: Inconsistent meaning can be deadly.
This post explains why 'Empathy' is not included in the Listening Game Cards and offers insight into what clarifying Needs cards you can use for working with over 100 years of ambiguity around the 44+ meanings of 'empathy.' And did you know that Empathy is taught as a process step in many first responder training programs? As a process step, the time it takes to remind oneself to find Empathy is potentially deadly – depending on how you define empathy.
You probably know that Listening Game Cards are a simple yet powerful tool for identifying, clarifying, and working with human feelings and needs. They are most beneficial when working to understand and connect your emotions, and the needs underlying them, to what is happening internally with yourself or guessing about what's happening with other people. Self-awareness and understanding another's perspective by connecting with what they may be feeling and needing is a powerful approach to problem-solving, negotiation, relationship building, or repair. That's Empathy - right? Sometimes, maybe, and that depends.
Empathy has many often-confusing definitions. Complicating the definition issue is the reality that many confuse sympathy with Empathy. According to a 2014 paper by Benjamin .P. Cuff et al., "Empathy: A Review of the Concept" (2014), Empathy has at least 43 definitions. These researchers set out to describe and mitigate the confusion around the many definitions of Empathy that have "plagued empathy research" for more than 100 years. They point out the challenges of the confusion around Empathy within the mental health community citing "therapeutic difficulties" that can arise when Empathy is understood differently. While offering a new way of looking at Empathy (number 44), Cuff et al. confirm there is no singular or consistent way to define or understand Empathy.
But wait! There is so much current research, so many Ted talks, videos, emotional intelligence, leadership, and other writings about the power and importance of Empathy, especially in the workplace. So true. It's all good. Yet, few, if any, contemporary pundits promote or even address the possibility of a dark side of what happens when Empathy is inconsistently understood.
Empathy can be deadly when considered a process step in high-conflict or crisis scenarios – depending on the definition and the respondent's training in formulaic crisis response.
Consider an officer's story about being on a 23rd-floor rooftop with a suicidal individual.
The officer's job was to intervene and, ideally, prevent the suicide while simultaneously preventing or minimizing any harm that might come to the officer or others. The officer shared that when facing the suicidal person, they had to pause. The officer needed to pause to think about their struggle to empathize with the suicidal person. They could not get to a place of 'feeling with' or imagining themselves in the other's shoes. Common definitions of Empathy weren't working for the officer in that scenario. Yet, the officer intuitively understood that the person was in distress and needed some form of connection to influence change in their plan.
The officer found another way. He skipped the empathy step and moved right into acknowledging the individual, talking with the person about the impact that jumping would have on the crowd below. The officer likely knew that suicidal people only want to end their hurt, not hurt others. So the officer worked to connect with the person by sharing a personal story about a time when the officer witnessed something horrifying. The officer humanized their experience by sharing the long-standing emotional impact of that seeing. That suicidal person changed their plan thanks to the officer's quick thinking and willingness to share some personal vulnerability to establish a meaningful connection, develop rapport, and ultimately, result in positive influence. The officer saved at least one life that day.
But the officer's need to pause could have had a very different result. The person could have jumped while the officer struggled with finding Empathy. And what if the person had a gun? Someone else, possibly an officer, may have been shot or killed before the individual jumped, or the person could have been shot. So many scary possibilities.
With a nod to research that I produced in 2019, "The Race to Brand De-escalation Training for Law Enforcement2" (ResearchGate), the officer's training likely included the classic FBI Behavioral Change Stairway Model3 (BCSM), where law enforcement professionals learn Empathy as a process step. That's where split-second decision-making, based on an inconsistent meaning of Empathy can produce potentially deadly results. To avoid that possibility, I've suggested in that paper that the FBI update the BCSM model, replacing Empathy with Acknowledgement/Validation. As it turns out, the creator of the model, Gary Noesner, former FBI Chief Negotiator, agrees.
In 2022 I enjoyed the honor of talking with the esteemed Gary Noesner. Our conversations revealed how the term 'empathy' has changed since he created the model. The change isn't surprising since Cuff et al. show us that the meaning has expanded and changed many times over the last 100+ years. Students of Gary Noesner's learned about Empathy as a form of acknowledgment/validation/connection with 'Other' such that the 'Other' is calmed just enough to be willing to establish rapport and possibly build a little trust with the negotiator. When even a tiny bit of trust exists, the ability to influence change is enhanced. Thus, the core sequence of experiences and the desired outcome represented in the BCSM make sense, but only when the words are consistently defined and understood.
When Gary Noesner was teaching the model; the definition of Empathy would have included what the officer did in the suicidal person example. The officer acknowledged, validated, and connected with the individual, thus saving at least one life. Yet, the officer struggled when trying to 'feel with,' which is arguably today's most common and popular definition of Empathy.
Because the BCSM is rooted in active listening skills; the proposed update to the model supports a natural relationship flow producing a sequential and sometimes simultaneous result: the flow and results that Gary Noesner taught. The proposed wording and resulting steps are Active Listening, acknowledgment/validation, rapport/connection, influence, and behavioral change. Well-honed active listening skills don't require Empathy. They require practice. That's what Gary taught and what many mediators learn today.
For comparison, the original BCSM steps are Active listening, Empathy, rapport, influence, and behavioral change. Because 'feeling with' is a popular definition of Empathy today, and likely the closest the world has come to consistency of definition thanks in part to author and researcher Dr. Brené Brown; it's time to take a closer look at how our first responders and other crisis intervention professionals work with the definition. In today's world of literal translation, and formulaic approaches to almost every aspect of our lives, including negotiation and relationships, the model could be deadly if empathy is understood to mean 'feeling with.'
What is a well-meaning human to do with exploring and potentially sharing 'empathy'? Be clear. Get comfortable with how you define Empathy. Consider allowing yourself to apply more than one definition depending on situational context. Communicate what you mean by Empathy when addressing any person or group for the first time and possibly for subsequent events depending on the nature of the relationship. Being clear that your meaning is shared with, and understood by others, builds confidence in your competence while assuring that your messages are more likely to be received as you intend.
For example, the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) community that I practice with is clear that Empathy means warm accompaniment. We discuss Empathy at almost every meeting. During COVID, we held weekly empathy exploration sessions that helped keep us grounded during distressing times. When working with other community members, we understand well that warm accompaniment can take many forms yet is almost exclusively focused on working to understand and support the 'Other' without judgment. We enjoy the comfort and freedom of honesty and transparency by not feeling pressure to 'feel with' though that can happen – naturally, not because of a process step. The powerful experience of 'feeling with' is one of the most supportive and potentially transformative experiences we might share anywhere in our lives. And sometimes, that experience comes alive in our NVC encounters. It just can't be forced or faked. Thus, warm accompaniment works as a beautiful definition in that community.
Bottom line, empathic 'feeling with' is a powerful experience and influence that is not necessary for establishing a connection, building rapport, repairing relationships, influencing, or producing a successful negotiation. Actively listening for understanding and connection – even when disagreeing with Others – accomplishes all those things and more.
Listening Game Cards is about clarity, self, and other awareness. The ambiguity around Empathy is too foggy to provide clarity. Thus, an Empathy card is not included in the set.
You have options with Listening Game Cards! Consider giving yourself the gift of looking for Feelings and Needs words that bring more profound clarity. Clarity will help your brain – we know that from fMRI scans. Properly naming feelings and needs calms the brain. Calmer brains, even if slightly quieter, facilitate better decision-making and provide a pathway to feeling at peace.
The Need card of Acknowledgement is in the Listening Game Cards along with other Needs cards that are often connected to Empathy, such as Understanding, To Be Heard, To Be Seen For Who You Are, Shared Reality, Respect/Appreciation, Recognition, Realness, Power
With Other(s), Meaning, Kindness, Consideration, Connection, Compassion, Companionship, Community, Communication, Comfort, Clarity, Care, Belonging, Authenticity, Appreciation, Acceptance.
Go play! Discover that power of self with the Listening Game Cards by exploring clarity of what Empathy means to you.
Namaste.
Resources
1. Cuff, B. M. P., Brown, S. J., Taylor, L., & Howat, D. J. (2016). Empathy: A
Review of the Concept. Emotion Review, 8(2), 144 – 153.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073914558466
2. Myers, E. (2019). The Race to Brand De-escalation Training for Law Enforcement.
ResearchGate
3. O'Connell, R. M. (2014) Viaconflict. The Behavioral Change Stairway Model
https://viaconflict.wordpress.com/2014/10/26/the-behavioral-change-stairway-model/
